As someone who has been in a successful relationship for more than 30 years, let me tell you, I have had my fair share of conflict. I have learned that there are ways of arguing that move the relationship forward, and there are certainly ways of arguing that create wounds of their own. Sometimes those wounds take a long time to heal.
I wish my Mama had told or modeled how to fight fair and be respectful and respected. Conflicts that begin with a simple need for resolution explode into hurtful and damaging fights complete with name-calling, insults and threats for one or the other partner to leave. Your self esteem can take a real hit when you engage in childish fights.
There is nothing empowering about acting like a spoiled child or being on the receiving end of insults and put-downs.
There are bound to be conflicts in any healthy relationship, but if there are no rules of conduct and a 'win at all cost' mindset, feelings are bound to get hurt and it can be really hard to bounce back.
If you are wincing at the truth of these words, take heart, you can stop the foolishness.
First of all... are you about resolving your conflict in a way that maintains both yours and your partners high self esteem, or do you just need to be right? Time to put on your big girl attitude and make some rules for yourself.
Here are 5 Things Your Mama Didn't Tell You About Fighting Fair.
1. Take the words "Never and Always" out of your vocabulary Talk about a hot potato to bring into a conflict. You always .... You never.... As they used to say in old western movies... "them's fightin' words". Decide to stop saying them. No one likes to be told they always do something or they never do something.
2. Stop Name Calling Insulting the person you love, or being insulted by the person you love is bad news. Who can feel good about themselves when they are put down as a person? Be mad, sure... that 's fair, but you can't take back derogatory names. Once they are out there, they are out there.
3. Quit threatening to leave or tell the one you love to leave This is one of the least helpful conflict resolution tools ever invented. Yet, it is hauled out again and again when lovers quarrel. Chances are, neither one of you intends or wants to leave, so quit saying it. It's childish.
4. Talk about your problems when you are in a good mood Don't forget to talk about the issues behind your quarrels when you are both feeling connected. It is important to understand and be understood. That's what you really want, right?
5. Keep it private, especially when children are involved This is THE MOST IMPORTANT rule of all. Children should NEVER have to be burdened with adult troubles. Fighting in front of them is unacceptable.
Keep your conflicts private. Just as you want your partner to respect your privacy when it comes to your conflicts, you are responsible to be respectful as well. So, you may need to be the one to take the lead in this more mature way of resolving your relationship conflicts. Let your partner know that you are ready to grow up and will be holding both of you to a new standard when it comes to conflict resolution.
Your self esteem will benefit from your new code of personal conduct, your partner's self esteem will benefit, your relationship will benefit as well. It's a win-win-win situation. Time to grow up.
I'm just saying...
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